Arm's Length

*Deep breath*

I feel like I need to give an apology to pretty much everyone that I know. I've recently realized that I've purposfully been distancing myself from you. Family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances. And I'm not sure why, which is the most frustrating part.

I've been keeping people at an arm's length from me. When I feel like someone is getting close, I back further away. I make excuses a lot about why I can't do something or why I can't talk.

Granted, a lot of the time the excuses are valid. Keeping a 2.5 year old from destroying my home can be a full-time job sometimes. As angelic as she looks, I'm pretty sure that Ruby-issued-destruction wouldn't be considered an "Act of God" by my insurance company....

Other times I rationalize the fact that I rarely return phone calls by thinking "Oh, I have to pay some bills," "I'd really like to listen to this thing on the radio," or "This laundry isn't going to do itself."

When I do actually talk to my friends or spend time with them, I try incredibly hard for that to be "quality" time. But I've noticed that I tend to guide the conversations towards relatively neutral topics like what our kids have been up to, how work is going, and if they watched Glee last week because OMGmyDVRhatesme&didn'trecordthewholething.

But some of my close friends - the ones who feel like they're the other half of me - notice that I'm pulling away and call me out on it. I get all defensive and inevitably end up asking what their plans are for the upcoming weekend, or something along those lines. Deflection.

Even though I feel like I'm running a zillion miles an hour when I'm with Ruby (clean, play, clean, cook, play, clean, diapers, sing, clean, eat, dance, clean, etc.) - that's really the only time that I feel like I'm at peace. When things get quiet - when she's fallen asleep for the night - that's when I start to feel panicky.

If you know me, you know that I'm a very scientifically-minded person. Everything can be explained, one way or the other. Which is why this has been bothering me so much. I can not, for the life of me, figure out why I am pulling away and why I feel so unsettled.

Maybe it's because if I keep everyone at a safe distance, there's a less likely chance that I'll get hurt. Again. Who knows. It's probably some sort of defense mechanism that would make sense if I had time to read some self-help book about it. But y'all....I'm so excited when I have time to do something like even take a shower, books aren't even on my radar.

So, for whatever reason, I'm sorry if I've made you feel like I don't care or I don't want to spend time with you. I do want to spend time with you and I do care. A lot.

A friend from college, I literally haven't seen her since then, told me last weekend that she reads my blog because I inspire her. That floored me. I feel so incredibly honored that I've inspired even one person out there to be a better parent.

Ruby is my happy-place - the thing that makes me want to be a better person. She is my inspiration. If you have kids in your life, I can only pray that they are your inspiration as well. There's not a whole lot better in the world than banana-and-milk-scented kisses as you're walking out the door to go to work to give you motivation to do what you have to do.

I hope that some day she can see me as the role-model that I want to be. I want her to see me as a strong, independent, successful, loving, faithful woman. But I'm scared that I'll teach her to guard her heart too much. I'm scared that she won't be willing to take those necessary risks in life.

Maybe it is time for change......

Bluebonnets

Grandpa took these pictures on a beautiful spring day in Texas. They make me smile.

Wheeeeee!!!!!

Springtime in Texas

I took Ruby to the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens the other day with one of my best friends, Tom, who is a really fantastic photographer and also a dancer with Texas Ballet Theater. He took some great pictures of Ruby enjoying the beautiful weather.

I love this sweet girl more than anything.

The weather has been beautiful, so we will enjoy our spring by walking to the park in our neighborhood, grilling for dinner just about every night, shopping at the farmers market and pretty much spending every minute of daylight outside. We hope that you have a fantastic spring too!

Time makes you bolder...

Today is my 2-year anti-versary. This one kind of snuck up on me, unlike the last one. I've decided that I'm going to celebrate rather than mourn. We shall see how that works out throughout the day. This past year has been solely focused on me and Ruby. I chose to remove all of the other accoutrement that had been cluttering up my life. And it has been glorious.

I have officially been on zero dates in the past year. Zilch. Nada. And I couldn't be happier about it. This has given me time to strengthen relationships with my friends, rebuild my damaged self-esteem, and spend every waking minute that I'm not at work with my little munchkin. You know what? I really like my life just the way that it is. I get an entire closet to myself - how could this possibly be bad? I don't anticipate this situation changing any time soon. Like they always say, if it ain't broke.....

Ruby has grown up so much in the past year - she's now using words like "treacherous," "constellation," and "dramatic," which is pretty hysterical to hear coming out of a 2-year old's mouth. She keeps getting cuter every day. Seriously - I don't know how it is possible. The best part about it (selfishly, I'll admit), is that I don't have to share my time with her. It's all mine. I love it. We make quite the little team.

In the past year, I was laid off from a job that I loved and was incredibly passionate about. It was sad on both sides, but a business decision is a business decision. The biggest blessing was that I found a new position that happens to be much closer to home with an animal health company. It is working out really well and I'm enjoying learning about a different side of the industry.

I've grown tremendously in my faith over the past year. It's amazing what God can do in your life if you just let him. I realized that he probably had a better idea of how everything was supposed to work out than I did, so I quit trying so hard and focused more on praying. That was a good decision.

So, although this past year wasn't quite the dramatic roller-coaster that the previous ones had been, it was perfect. Sure, it had challenges, because come on - this is life. But the challenges were easy to take on with Ruby's hand in mine. I am so proud of how strong and confident that I have become - and Ruby is a lucky girl to have a super-woman as a mommy.

After writing this post, I've decided that today isn't my anti-versary. Today is the 2-year anniversary of the purchase of my sweet little home and the 2-year anniversary of the start of my life.

Watch me prove you wrong.

"Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care."

This is just one of many quotes regarding single mothers that have come out in the media lately. This particular one is from the politician, Mike Huckabee. I'm not offended because I'm not naive - I do understand and am fully aware that there are single mothers in this world that fit that discription. But there are also single fathers that fall into that category, as well as married couples.

Stereotypes are always frustrating - but they are, and will continue to be, a part of life. The only thing that I can do that is within my control is to be the exception. Everyone can sit back and watch me prove them wrong.

I'm not going to post my resume up here and brag about my professional accomplishments. I'm not going to talk about my education, my salary, or my career.

Instead, I'll show you this.

See that on her little face? That's pride. This was after we finished eating a healthy, homemade dinner together. Ruby had just finished planting her little basil plant. She did it all by herself. She picked out the seeds, watered the soil very carefully, showed me where to set her pot on the window sill, and then explained to me that if she watered it and loved it enough it would grow up to be big and tall like Ruby.

I'm a working single mom. I'm nowhere near perfect. But Ruby gives me the motivation every day to try to get there.

If you know someone who is a single parent, drop them a word of encouragement every now and then. It gets tough and lonely and overwhelming sometimes, and it can be encouraging to know that the entire world isn't just sitting around waiting for you to fail.

But don't EVER suggest that we can't do something. Because then you'll have to sit back and wait while we prove you wrong.

One of my favorite nights

I'm back! Save your lectures, I know that I've been a terrible blogger. I've been trying to get into the swing of things with my new job where I'm actually in an office all day long, five days a week. This "single-working-mother" thing is hard, y'all.


So I don't really have too terribly much to update. Other than the fact that my daughter could not possibly be any cuter. I realize that there may be a fair amount of bias on my opinion, but I submit the following evidence. You go ahead and tell me you don't agree. Go ahead and try.

Last night was one of the very best nights that Ruby and I have ever had. She was still napping when I got home from work, so I quickly got dinner in the oven and paid some bills before she woke up (in other breaking news, I have not yet won the lottery). When Ruby typically wakes up from her nap, her mood will either go towards one extreme or the other. She will either wake up with her little halo and angel wings on, or she will have sprouted horns and a forked tail - she's lucky she's cute.... Yesterday was definitely the halo and angel wings.


So after about 30-minutes of Ruby announcing that she would give me the "best hug EVER" followed by the best hug ever, and the "best kiss EVER" followed by the best kiss ever, we ate dinner. She can sometimes be a bit of a drama queen when eating - if she doesn't want to eat a bite of something, she'll put the back of her hand on her forehead and turn away. This little one can be stubborn. No idea where she got that....... Anyway, last night she used her manners and said "No, thank you" when she didn't want a bite. Manners! From a 2-year old! :)


After dinner we walked up to the ice cream shop on the corner since she had definitely earned this treat from her good behavior. We played in their courtyard and Ruby enjoyed her lemon frozen custard. It was a beautiful evening and we were both so happy.


The rest of the night was uneventful, but was still just as fun. Bathtime, followed by books, snuggles, and finally bedtime. How did I get so lucky?

Happy Second Birthday, Ruby!

We had Ruby's Second Birthday party last weekend at our house! I do realize that it was a couple of weeks after her actual birthday, but just like last year it worked out better logistically to have her celebration the second weekend of January. In fact, I'm thinking that this might become a regular thing (until Ruby decides she has an issue with it), so if you're on her invite list pencil in next year's date!

The day was pretty much perfect. One of Ruby's very favorite things right now is to have tea parties with me, Nana, Grandpa, Dora, Ethel (her favorite doll), teddy bears, Elmo, etc. - really anyone or anything that happens to be around. So what better way to celebrate her turning two years old than to throw her a tea party!

We served proper tea sandwiches (and a selection of PB&J sandwiches for the kids with a slightly less refined palate), a fruit and cheese tray, a breakfast strata, and pink cupcakes, almond tea and pink raspberry lemonade. We displayed all of Ruby's tea sets and had the kid-friendly ones easily accessible.

Ruby had over 30 friends come to her party! My little house was filled to the brim with kids and smiles. It was so wonderful to have so many of my dear friends there, and a lot of them came with their darling kids. Ruby was extremely excited to play with Addie, Jack, and Carter (the triplets), Hazel, Ella, Caroline, Elizabeth, Vivienne, Braden, Trevor, and to meet little Tinsley. Ruby seemed to be a very gratious hostess and was running from room to room to check on everyone and make sure that they were playing well together.

Nana, Mommy, and the Birthday Girl

She didn't seem to eager to smile for Grandpa's camera that day, but rest assured that she was beside herself with happiness!

Mommy and Bee.

Birthday cupcake

(my tradition for Ruby is to get her a cupcake from the Cupcake Cottage down the street. It was strawberry, and she loved it!)

SOOOOO Excited about the dress she picked out for herself! She had been carrying it around with her for the entire week prior to her party.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl. I love you more than rainbows! I'm so excited to see what Year 2 has in store for us, and what exciting things that we can teach each other.

XOXO-

Mommy

Nutcracker Party

This year I was lucky enough to be able to take Ruby to Texas Ballet Theater's Children's Nutcracker Party. "Magical" doesn't even begin to describe the day!!!

The luncheon was complete with tables overflowing with candy, characters from the Nutcracker talking and dancing with the kids, a fabulous lunch (with a kid-friendly version of it for Ruby), and live music. She made some great new friends and got to have her picture taken with the Sugar Plum Fairy!

After the party, we went over to Bass Hall for the performance of the Nutcracker. I was a bit nervous about Ruby attending her first ballet performance, so I made sure that we were seated near a door and on the aisle. We had fabulous seats in a box on the orchestra level and it was the perfect location in case I had to rush a talkative toddler out the door. Much to my delight, Ruby slept in my arms through the first act. During intermission she woke up and made friends with all of the ushers in the area. I was keeping my fingers crossed for an uneventful second act as well. I couldn't have been more proud of her! She stayed awake through the whole act, snuggled up in my arms, and would occasionally point to the dancers and gasp, exclaim "wow!" or whisper "bow-a-weena". After the performance she got a lot of compliments on what a good little ballet patron she was!

Today was absolutely perfect. :)

Tis the Season!

We are really getting into the Christmas mood! It seems like we're going to Christmas parties left and right, and are having SO much fun! Ruby is at such a fun age - she gets so excited when she sees Santa, or if there is a potential to see Santa somewhere. She's catching on to the Christmas songs and will start singing occasionally. She is really verbal - talks my ear off all day long and I love every second of it! I've made the majority of my Christmas presents this year, so I've been pretty busy the past couple of months. I never really thought of myself as "crafty", so we'll have to see how well they are recieved!

Here are a few pictures from a Christmas party benefiting SafeHaven charities at University Park Village. Ruby had a great time mingling and dancing, until the Santa Cow from Chick-fil-a showed up. She really doesn't like people in costumes, much like her mother.

(Santa Cow is directly behind us here, hence her terror)

I've also been volunteering as much as possible with Texas Ballet Theater - either with the Special Events director or with the box office. I enjoy my time so much when I'm helping them out. Here is a picture of the fabulous box office (me, Kayleb, & Lee Anne) from the Nutcracker performance the other evening.

Strength

I've been really strengthened by two things lately, at a time in my life when strength is really needed.

The first thing that has given me strength and has blessed me in more ways than I can explain is my amazing Bible Study group. I have grown in my faith so much over the past few months and am so thankful of each of the amazing ladies in my group. One Bible verse in particular has really caught my attention and has impacted me tremendously.

"I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." John 16:33

Seriously, how amazing is that?

The second thing that gives me more strength than I could've ever imagined is this little munchkin. She is so much fun to be with and I am so thankful that I'm getting to spend quality time with her right now. When she snuggles up to me or reaches for my hand, my heart almost bursts with love.

I know that things have been challenging in my life, but I honestly feel like the luckiest person in the world.