Anti-versary

My one-year "Anti-versary" has come and gone. A year ago, I was given the unique opportunity to start my life over again. Thinking back, it was the most heartbreaking, painful, and scary situation that I've ever gone through. Everyone would say things to me like "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger", "You'll be so much better off...", and the one that I heard the most often was "I'm so sorry." I got so tired of hearing that - I know that everyone was trying to be nice and they didn't quite know what to say or what to do. It was awkward for everyone.

I was given an option. I could let my situation define me as a person. I could be known as the sad girl whose husband left when she was six months pregnant because he had an affair. How. Very. Sad.

I chose not to select that option. I picked myself up, broken and tear-stained, and forced myself to put one foot in front of the other. I know it sounds admirable, but really I just didn't know what else to do. I've always been a relatively "obedient" individual, so I just gave myself rules to follow. Get out of bed when the alarm clock goes off. Shower, get dressed, and put on makeup. Go to work. Fake a smile. No other options. Thankfully there was a little angel named Ruby who helped me get this accomplished as well. Ruby became the center of my universe. She was my happy-place. I know that I was being a good mom by comforting her and meeting all of her needs. But the thing about it is, she was the one who was unknowingly comforting me. I would nurse her and tell her how fabulous her life would be with me. After a while, I found myself starting to believe it. I officially had a new best friend.

I bought my perfect little dream house. All by myself. This house has become so special and important to me - it not only serves as proof of my independence and success, but it is a home for Ruby and me. It is a happy, warm, loving home where we are safe and we know that nothing that happens within these 4 walls will ever be more than either of us can handle together. Buying this home has also brought me closer to my family at a time in which we all needed it. My dad was battling Stage 3 cancer, and my mom was supporting everyone else around her emotionally and physically. God doesn't make mistakes. This situation brought us together and I'm now closer with my family than I've ever been before. Ruby certainly hasn't hurt the situation either - she's not only the center of my universe, but of my parents' as well. And I'm quite certain that she knows it. I have an incredible, yet challenging career, and I honestly enjoy every single day of it. I was able to re-prioritize, re-focus, and have enjoyed several professional "wins" along the way.

Life handed me lemons. I busted out the salt and tequila for a little while, enjoyed that, and am now savoring the most lovely lemonade ever.

So, you might ask, how is Jaedeanne different than she was a year ago? I am happy. Not fake-smile, periodically happy, but genuinely and truly happy with every aspect of my life. And I'm more proud of myself than I've ever been. I know what a strong, smart, independent woman that I am because I was able to prove it to my biggest doubter - myself.

However, I've recently noticed some other changes that aren't quite so conspicuous. I'm now a contingency planner. I can literally count on one hand the number of people that I trust. Not that I necessarially dis-trust others, just don't be offended if I have a contingency plan that involves you. I was in a situation where the one true, certain thing in my life blindsided me and then kicked me when I was down. Do that to me once, shame on you. Do that to me twice, shame on me. So now I contingency plan.

Yes, I've been on dates. I have found that I am now unable to hold hands and snuggle - it makes me feel too vulnerable. So now I'm thinking that I should stop considering having a boyfriend and start work on marketing proposals for a corporate sponsorship. That seems more my style right now. If you, or any corporations that you know are interested, please feel free to contact me directly.

Another thing that I've noticed is that I very rarely cry. The only thing that I can relate it to is a chef who is constantly cooking in the kitchen, burning his hand repeatedly, day after day, year after year. After a while it stops hurting and he eventually gets to a point where he doesn't even notice it. However, the one thing that will bring me to tears every time is if I really stop to think about and feel the love in my heart for Ruby. But they're happy love-y tears and I don't mind them at all.

But the biggest change in my life is that I'm probably one of the best moms in the universe. It coincidentally works out well because I have one of, if not the best daughter in the universe. God had good planning on this one. We're a great team. No one makes me smile bigger, laugh harder, hug longer, or try harder than she does. I said it earlier - she's my angel. I can't imagine my life without her and I am so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to share this adventure with her.

So, happy Anti-versary to me! Jaedeanne, you're pretty incredible. Well done.